Its been a while since i posted something here. Im sorry for that. Its not like i had a lot to do, its more like… well, i wasnt sure about a lot of things. Let me talk about that a bit more. I wrote about that a bit on my normal blog, but i want to explain in a lengthy way how i feel there.
The thing is, i wrote already that im kind of researching death and consciousness and all those things like that. In the last few weeks i experienced some sort of …weird feelings regarding that. All kinds of peoples got all kinds of opinions and there is no way to say who is right and who is wrong. Hell, maybe no one is right or wrong at all. Even so, when i read something that contradicts my opinion im always getting confused. What if he or she is right and im wrong? Theres always a possibility for that. Always.
Connected to that is the fact that im believing the stuff others tell me way too easily. Someone could say “well, we are all just meat bags” and i would immediately doubt anything that tells me that there could be more than that. A fair amount of scepticism is always good, no doubts there, but its propably better for my health to doubt new opinions a bit more then the ones i already know about.
Connected to that is another problem. I learned about quite a few things out there that are mysterious and kind of unexplainable with the current philosophical mainstream paradigm. The thing is, everytime i hear about something like that i immediately think “that cant be true, right?” and i always search for some sort of explanaition that fits the mainstream paradigm. That paradigm isnt what i want to believe though. It feels like i have to explain it in one way and want to do it in another. Its just like im stuck in mainstream paradigm and i cant escape, even if i want to do so. I know that every paradigm got its fair share of problems and every “ism” out there seems to be wrong at some point, but even knowing that – im stuck.
Because of that im always searching for new stuff, hoping that there is something out there that convinces me of any opinion to be finally true. Because of that ill never be satisfied with anything at all. Never. Even if i find something that leaves me baffled (like Quantum physics; it really surprised me what QM tells us about our reality), at some point later on i think like “hold on. Theres criticism about that too, right? What if those guys are right?”. Same situation when i heard the first time about NDE’s. I was speechless. But now, hm – i never experienced something like that and i know about lots of materialistic/physicalstic explanaitions for those kind of subjective experiences. Of course none of those must be true (and none of them seems to be true anyways, since they all cant explain all parts of an NDE), but it still leaves me with tons of doubts. What if those explanations are true? What if we are flesh bags without any connection to something non-material? Theres no final evidence for that, i know that – just as there isnt any real evidence for the opposite either.
I mean, i know why i got those doubts. I fear any sort of final truth. Im kind of relieved sometimes knowing that we wont get close to something like that anytime soon. I fear that we can say “well, its definitely like that. Theres no room for speculations”. Not for speculations-sake, its more like that i fear that im wrong with opinions that e.g. are not conform to that final truth.
And the combination of all of that – well, its kind of horrible. Everyone can cast doubts in my mind about those topics on the fringe of science. Everyone. And while im trying to get away from the mainstream paradigm i cant because i learned about it for like 25 years. Its not that easy. I want to, but im still trying to explain everything with that paradigm.
In the end, that leaves me somewhere with tons of doubts, no self-esteem and no faith in my own experiences and beliefs. I’d rather believe others. And thats not good, since my experiences are the only thing that i know to be definitely true. See, i know that, but still.. its not easy to get away from things you learned for years. All that bias and all those mainstream opinions… society wants you to believe them. And you cant get away from that just like that. Your sub-consciousness doesnt want to.
Why? Well, its propably easier to believe something that others told you(i mean, im german, i know all sorts of things about that). Even while knowing that, your sub-consciousness propably doesnt care. And there you see – society did a fine job, trimming you to be a believer in mainstream propaganda. I imagine that this is even worse when you studied or something like that, especially when it comes to computer science or biology or physics. Those sciences are trimmed to fit in the current mainstream paradigm. To escape it while/after studying that – it requires huge efforts. Maybe more than i can muster.